How to care for your ill, sick, unwell wife

I've decided this must be a tutorial. The mounting frustration for a woman, when her man can't take care of her when she's really down and out, is quite something, and adds to her illness.
No, I'm ok at the moment. But when I do fall ill, I keep telling myself I must write this post. (All my dear friends who tell me I must talk it out with the hubby, tell him what exactly to do, I've tried this...telling him what he can do to make me feel better etc, but somehow it just does'nt seem to register in his heart :-(


Since men, at least most of them, don't seem to know "how to", while for women it just seems so natural and instinctive.
(Ok, all those men who know how to already, don't read this and don't send me nasty comments, please.)
I'm hoping someday, my husband too will hit upon this when he googles the topic, (if he ever ever looks up the topic, that is!) and learn a thing or two.

So, if your wife is unwell, here are just some of the things you can do to make her feel a tad better:

1. Wake up earlier than her and get the household started. Anyone who's ill likes to stay in bed a little longer than usual. If you know her routine, good. Else just check with her the previous night what you can do in the morning to make things easier for her. Be specific. "I want you to stay in bed longer tomorrow morning, dear. So tell me what I can get done before you're up." She'll most likely turn down your offer. But please don't give up at one "no". Maybe heat the milk, pick up the paper from the front door, fill up drinking water, answer the doorbell, wake up the kids and take them through their morning ablutions, get the kids lunch boxes cleaned up and ready...

2.  But first, when you wake her up, please ask her how she's feeling. That you show concern will make her feel better already. If she says "not too good", ask what it is, listen to the answer, and offer to take her to the doctor/call doctor to fix the appointment. Take her to the doctor. Don't expect her to get there on her own.

3. Most people who are unwell would like something warm to drink first thing in the morning (that's how I am; there may be other preferences). It's usually soothing. Ask if she wants tea/coffee or anything like milk/warm water to drink. And make it. It's not all that difficult. If you don't know how to make any of these, ask, and she will tell you. Or she'll get out of bed in frustration and make it herself (don't rule that possibility out either! but try anyway)

3. If you can manage to make breakfast, nothing like it. The humble toast will be acceptable, usually. Or if you can make some broth/ porridge/ ganjee, do that. Nothing fried or elaborate. Or if she's up to it despite being ill, maybe order in her breakfast of choice, depending on whether she can stomach food from outside. In terms of Indian food, something like idli, pongal/khichdi, ganjee, a plain rava upma may not be bad options to rustle up, if you can manage them. Google recipes the previous night if you want to make a serious effort. Or call your mom/aunt/her mom and ask (that'll also make you popular {if you call her relatives that is, not YOUR mom} and maybe offers of help will pour in). Don't try to surprise her. It'll help if you check with her if ingredients are at home. She'll possibly give you an easier option than you wanted to try.

4. Try and take leave from work, at least for a day to be there for her. The gesture will be so appreciated, you will not imagine it. I may be generalising, but women don't think twice about using up their leave to care for a sick husband/child. Somehow men don't seem to do it as willingly. Do it, and see her glow.

5. Offer to call in for help, if you really can't manage. A hired nurse for an illness/fracture that may make her immobile will sort things out, if you can afford to pay for it. Else, offer to request the help of a family member/ relative she's comfy with. People might be more willing than you think. Just make sure you help them in their time of need/ illness.

6. If you have kids, and she has something contagious, keep them away from her. Tell them what it is, don't make them cry for their mother. Take care of their basics -- feeding/ bathing/ playing/ entertaining. If it's older kids, get them ready for school. It' ok if they don't bathe for a day. It's ok if you fill their lunch boxes with an easy meal one day. If they are old enough to communicate, ask them what you can do for them, and ask them to help you too, since mummy is ill. You won't imagine how cooperative they might just be. But don't be angry if very young ones don't understand. It's bad enough for them not to have mummy by the side; they definitely won't be able to handle an upset dad. Some kids will know their mum's routines better than you will. And they might be more handy in the kitchen and around the house than you are -- they'll show you a few things.

7. Once the kids are packed off, discuss with you wife what to do for lunch. If she's feeling better, you both together might rustle up something in the kitchen. The same goes for dinner. You can in fact tell her that you don't really know what exactly to do, but want to help her and make her feel better. Tell her she just needs to give instrutctions and it will be done. Admit that you'd rather do what she wants than try something and bungle up, if that's a possible thing for you to admit. The idea should go down well with the wife.

8. Draw her water for the bath, if she feels up to it. Offer to massage her head/back if she has an ache (you need to do this only for a mere two minutes -- it's not such a un-doable task).

9. Make sure she takes her medication. Ask "did you take your medicine?" Bring it to her bedside. If she's looking better, offer to set her up in the TV room, or any other place...a change of place might cheer her, rather than wallowing in bed the whole day. Check on her every half hour or so if she has a fever.

10. When you're talking to her, pay attention. Don't sit in the TV room on a sofa and yell half-hearted "Do you want something?" while she's in the bedroom. She may be too weak to scream back. And too pissed if you don't care to walk over to her.

11. Mean what you say. Even if you're upset that you had to stay away from work, and do all these things you don't like doing, don't show it. In the way you speak, in the way you treat her. That hurts. Try to make small cheerful talk, pleasant things, myaybe look at your old photos, play her favourite tape of soft soothing music -- don't bring up a subject in  that you know usually triggers a war between you two.

12. And please, don't keep pointing out saying "see i'm doing so much for you". Women are far more sensitive and will notice it themselves. You don't have to tell them. Most often they thanklessly do these things for you every day.

13. Keep noise levels in the house down. Noise can make one feel more ill -- that means no loud TV, no screaming kids, no thumping music, and don't call over your boisterous friends and have a "boys' day in" because you're at home anyway, for heaven's sake! Save that for later.

14. Most importantly, don't let your enthusiasm flag. Don't start the day in the perfect way and then tire out and just plop down and say "i can't do this any more". Looking after someone who's ill can be tiring, taxing, and a continuous process. Accept that first.

15. And all this does not mean you need to suffer. Make sure you eat and take care of yourself too. If it's something contagious the wife has, you'll have to take precautions not to get it from her. Because if you fall sick too, the situation will only get worse. (If it's something like pox, you may have to pack off the kids and stay with her).

16. Check with her if clothes need to be put into the washing machine (if you have kids, the school uniforms may be the emergency washing needed), if dishes have to be loaded in the washer, or if you have a maid/help what instructions must be given.

17. Just as you kickstarted the household, you might also have to wind things up -- shut out lights, lock doors, bring in the laundry, put kids into bed (after getting them to study/do homework/ feed them), put out the coupons for the next day's milk supply etc.... and remember, YOUR WIFE DOES MOST OF WHATEVER YOU DID THIS ONE DAY, EVERY DAY, DAY AFTER DAY.

18. NOTE: If you really really can't do any or all of this, or just find it too daunting, at least offer to take her over to her parents or any close aunts who live near enough for her to bear the journey, and with whom she'll be comfortable recovering. She needs some rest.

Please, any woman who reads this and wants to add her own tips, please leave a comment and I'll add that to my growing list!

NOTE: This post was inspired by my other post which I'd written down in February 2011 titled "Why can husbands never care for sick wives?"
http://crib-crib.blogspot.in/2011/02/why-can-husbands-never-care-for-sick.html

Monday Morning SCARE: Red nasty rashes

Sonny Boy's mastered it all right. How to scare Mummy. Specially on Monday morning.

Woke up to Sonny scratching himself silly on his neck. And what's that? About 20 red rashes behind his ear. Ugh. Applied calamine. Some soothing. But largely no improvement.

Call. Get appointment with doctor. Not a pleasant or easy thing on a Monday morning - any parent will vouch for that. It's the day all sick kids are clustered around the doctor and you begin to believe all people did over the weekend was fall ill.

After Sonny's chicken pox scare, I didn't want to take any chances. First thought, in fact, was : can one have a relapse of  pox???

Doc coolly said it was an allergic reaction to mosquito bites! LIKE THAT??? I kept asking him.
Like the kind that can scare the hell out of you.

So we're back to antihistamine syrup and a cream. Looks like kids live off medication the first few years of their lives.

SO BE WARNED: Apparently these kinds of allergic reactions to mosquito bites happen among toddlers specially in winter/rainy months.

Been asked to keep Sonny indoors at mosquito parade time: how's that possible?
We use the plug-in repellent, keep windows closed most of the time, and he's mostly in jammies and full-sleeve Tees because he catches a cold easily.

How much more careful can i be? I've been asked to apply mosquito repellent cream if i'm taking him out in the evening! What torture for the child. Is it even safe to use frequently? Doc, of course, says yes. I have my own doubts.

God, why is it so difficult to get by a few days with no complications related to your child's health?

Chicken pox for the brave soul

It's hell time again. Sonny Boy has chicken pox :-(
For a weepy mom like me there seems to be no dearth of reasons to cry and crib over.

But Sonny Boy is being a true Braveheart. TOUCH WOOD.
I can't take the sight, though. He's sleeping now and I'm so unused to being in a quiet house I had to come online.
He's breaking out in blisters in various parts in various stages. I really didn't think it would come like this.
It started like little pimples, or what could be easily be mistaken for heat boils and within 12 hours it had turned into mean looking lumpy boils. Now they look watery and ready to burst in some parts, some have blackened and scabbed.

He's trying his best to co-operate i guess, when i put some soothing calamine on the pimpernels. But today noon, he lost his cool and said he didn't want any more "cream". I'm dreading the itchy phase. Though, the PD has given him an anti-allergen to keep that minimal.

I so do hope that he tides over this one without too much pain or stress, though that's only wishful thinkin i guess. As of now, we are in our little fortress apartment in our attempt to isolate ourselves from others, though how one can prevent something that spreads quick through air is a mystery.

There's just a bit of sunshine right now peeping into the room and I like the reassuring feel of it. Wet cloudy days only have  an association of sickness for me.

I called my aunt who raised me along with grandmum to check if I'd had pox as a kid. Doc says if you've had it once chances of your getting it are lesser. He asked me to keep Sonny away from my ageing parents -- apparently they are more susceptible now and can lead to hospitalisation for them because it can get complicated.And what he craves most in sickness is his grandpa...this is gonna be tough. I know he's going to wake up in the next fifteen minutes ans start asking or rather badgering me to go to Grandpa's. Sigh!!

Apparently three per cent of children get chicken pox despite vaccination. Sonny Boy had to be part of it! Damn!
There's no real medicine to treat it, so all we can do is soothe him whatever way possible, distract him from scratching himself, and get him to eat (his appetite's gone missing). So there...

I'm beginning to think it's such an ordeal to raise one little imp, who's always sick, getting into trouble, wounding himself. I wonder how our grandmoms had so many and never really complain much about them during childhood. But they also had joint families that took care of the kids -- my grandmom says she never fed any of her five kids after they were one! They were made to sit with older siblings in the joint family in a line, and they had no choice but to eat like the others did. Wow.  Sometimes they ate, many times they just played with their food. But they all seem to have turned out fine.

I'm beginning to think motherhood really is about attitude. And like with all other things, each of us have our own highly individual and stylised approach, even if we don't see it that way. Oh there's so much to learn in life...so much to learn with each blooming pox boil and each darkening scab.

Immunity in children -- that illusion...that mirage

How many people have told you that it's inevitable? That's the way they do it...that's how they're made etc etc every time your toddler falls ill.

I'm sick of it. I've been told by most people, fellow parents, knowledgeable elders, and my paediatrician that he's going to be falling ill constantly till the age of five!! FIVE??!! I've got a loooong way to go. And meanwhile one must keep mopping up the result of the sniffles.

I'm tired of Mr. Runny Nose, who also has a chest congestion most of the time. Will vomit out phlegm and food very regularly during such episodes. Of course, I feel really sad for him and in fact start crying sometimes when I think how difficult it must be for him to bring up the phlegm and get it out of his system. He looks horrified after he vomits each time and it takes a lot of calming and soothing to actually get him to stop shaking from the shock of the process.

When all of the scientific the world put can concoct a thousand different vaccines, why can't they give children a shot at birth to just boom up their immunity? Wouldn't it be logical that one shot that gives a child's body some super-duper immunity is way better than giving a shot each for one strain of Hepatitis, or pneumococcal fever etc. But then, why would pharma companies develop such a winner, right? It would just kill the vaccine industry.

And i HATE it when the paediatrician tells me that till he develops good immunity, his tummy's going to pack up every time he goes nibbling on his toys and random things he picks off the floor. How in the world does one prevent that? And then when I try to be all clean and wash his toys etc, people laugh in my face and say "You must let him play in the dirt. It builds immunity" Hello?!!! I know, but then when he fall sick after that, who's going to sit there and nurse him back to health?

Yes, don't over-protect them. Let them be, is one line of argument that I'm willing to take considering in the long run it may help the child actually develop a stronger immunity. But if it's anyway going to take five years to get there, what do you do in between?

And, if like another line of argument goes, you end up pumping them with antibiotics each time they fall sick, they become immune to that strain of antibiotics, isn't it, say by when they are 15 or 20?

If you opt for an alternate system of medicine, like homeopathy, the whole world will swoop down upon you and tell you, hand son the hip and fingers pointing accusingly at you, that you're feeding them with things that are not "scientifically sound", "placebos" etc.

So what does one do? "Brace the child, fortify him with fruits, vegetables that will build up his immunity" is easier said than done. And that's the other half of the battle, right?
It's so damn frustrating to see your child sick. It negates your very existence.