Friday, August 31, 2012

Mum has cancer...our world has fallen apart

This post will perhaps be my last...or my last in a long time. Or maybe I'll be writing more to spill out that whole gamut of emotions I'm going's gone topsy turvy.

After much running around in circles, mom was finally diagnosed end of last month as having lung cancer. In an advanced stage, but with fairly positive prognosis.
Today we came back home from her first chemotherapy. She looks so frail and vulnerable....and to think she has to go through this five times all over again is plain depressing.
 Each day I leave home with great apprehension, thinking "how will she be today?"
My mum's being the brave soldier for most part. Really really brave and practical, with a stoic approach to the whole thing. That has helped. But she's weak and exhausted already. Some days i just feel miserable for her and break down in the bathroom.

Mums really hold the key to you life, I swear. Without them, you're bloody hell LOST!!! You dont realise the value of a person till they sort of go missing-in-action. I realise how much my mum was doing around the house for my Sonny, for me, for dad, for the household. She still tries, when she's still feeling ok, to do so many things around her, but age is not exactly on her side...she's past 70.

Suddenly equations around home have changed. Dad is so lost around home, mum has to tell him how to do each thing. I've had to re-learn to re-live in my parents home, the way they like it. Mum has become extra touchy about everything.

What's scary is logistics, liogistics, logistics.

The worst sufferer in all this, though, i feel is Sonny Boy. It's beginning to show and that's making me feel worse. He's emotionally distraught that I'm never there -- he was even telling the maid "my mum's always in the hospital". I feel guilty not being around him. When I'm not in hospital, I have to be at work...ugh.

I understand that what my mum must be going through is plain hell -- physically, emotionally....she worries so much...for us! So typical of mums, huh?

I'm trying too to put on a brave face, though its getting increasingly testing. It's turning out to be a logistical nightmare for me. Running two households (I've moved into mum's place temporaily), keeping the job (need the money for her treatment), the hospital rounds, staying overnight at hospital (the worst scene i swear), keeping constant tabs on mom, trying to look after the lil fella.......... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And the financial blow...gawd. Any of you out there with parents like me who dont have medical insurance/coverage, go get them covered today. I mean it. It's one of the biggest mistakes i ever made in life....bearing the brunt now.

The hubby dear has been super-supportive, touch wood. But has to travel soon, so not a good scene.

Ok all this is just one mad outporing, and an explanation for why I've not been here/will not be here on this space for some time at least....dunno how things will turn out. Those of you who believe in the power of prayer, please pray for my mum.


Uma said...

Goodness, so so sad to hear all this..:-(
*tight hugs* dear. I really don't know how to soothe you..for all this is frightening even to read and for you to go through this nightmare must be so so hard, to put it even mildly.
It is so difficult to imagine our loved ones going through any kind of illness and to actual see them suffer in front of our eyes must be the most traumatic experience.
Can we help in some way? I shall definitely pray to the Almighty. Apart from the prayers, if you can think of anything that I can do, do email me. I mean this.
Please take care...

Anonymous said...

Dear FM,
Very sad to know about your mom's illness.
Be brave and do not lose heart. My prayers are with you. I am praying for the speedy recovery of your mom.

(p.s: I am a regular reader of your blog)

Anonymous said...

hey FM,

You are strong woman, mother and daughter, you have all it takes to deal with this. If you didn't have the strength to deal with it god wouldn't have given you this much to bear with. This is only temporary, until your mother gets better - but make sure that you are eating healthy and taking care of yourself. Lots of hugs