Thursday, December 23, 2010

I'm selfish. Yes, but aren't we allowed to be? Sometimes...

The last two days have showed me how fickle minded I am and how selfish. So what? That's me, I feel like saying. I just hope I don't regret this later in life.

After much thinking, agonising, talking,, discussing, crying, arguing with myself, I've decided not to quit.
I'm going to give the nanny arrangement one last shot.

I asked the five most important people in my life what I should do -- quit and stay home with Sonny or go back to work with a nanny in place.

My Mom: "Do you really want to end your career so soon in life? You're so young! I worked 33 years before I retired...We'll manage with a nanny."

My dad: "What did your husband say? He agreed? Then no problem...get yourself relieved by next month. Once things settle down, start freelancing. I'll babysit when you have work....maybe even four hours a day if you get a good deal of assignments."

Hubby Dear: "The decision is entirely yours. I can take care of things. But you think about it from all aspects. Do you really visualise yourself cooking and cleaning everyday? I don't think you enjoy housework." (And a whole lot of intricate reasoning and arguments that I can't really type out here)

My best friend (a SAHM): "Babe, think real hard before you make the decision. It's not easy and you'll need to do some professional work to keep your sanity. It's frustrating to see the same three faces for three continuous weeks sometimes and not have anyone your age to talk with."

(THE HEART WRENCHING ONE) Sonny Boy: "Don't go to office. I like it when you are with me. It's nice. i WON'T GO TO SCHOOL. you DON'T GO TO OFFICE. we'll BOTH STAY HOME AND PLAY" (All in spurts and over time)

After yesterday, when my mind was made up completely about quitting, I went over and over again with all the possibilities. I did a SWOT analysis learnt in college -- you know, looking at every decision considering the situation's strength, weakness, opportunities and threats.
I spent the afternoon writing down in my old diary the advantages/disadvantages of staying home and going to work.
And realised I'm scared of change. Shit scared of teh balance tipping. Scared of not having a life.
No offence meant to Stay At Home Mums, and 'd like to pay obeisance to them over and over again. It's tough life being home and giving up your all for the sake of your children. I've decided it's something I can't do, for now.
I need a life outside home. I can't give that up.
I need to put my skills to use
I need to earn -- for myself, for my family, for our future.
And I want to live life to the fullest.
So hopefully, I'll make some changes to my life to be able to accommodate more into it. 
Give up my sleep a bit and my lazy ways and see if I can work out more time for Sonny and with Sonny and the rest of the family.  
I'm not sermonising. I'm not trying to justify or defend myself. This is just me. This is the way I am.
May the Nanny Hunt begin.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The nanny calls it quits. Now, should I?

First things first.
Thanks to all of you my dear friends who wrote in with warm wishes, hugs, and advise. I'm sorry I haven't the time to reply to all of you individually, but A BIG THANKS FOR BEING THERE. I will follow up your suggestions/ideas. I think I need to concentrate more on homeopathy. Will change homeo doctors (will get someone closer home) and give it another shot.

Ok here's my venting for the day/night.
The nanny walked in this morning (she'd promised to come join work back today), only to tell me she can't make it any longer -- she's unwell and her children dont want her to work. I was quite expecting this, so I cleared her payments wished her well, and she quietly left.

So Nanny Hunt begins. AGAIN.
I'm tired of doing it, so maybe I'll quit so I dont have to hunt anym ore, I kept telling my self over and over again.

Sonny Boy is a tad better, though I can't figure out how to get the coughing spasms down -- wish I could melt the phlegm with something -- SOMETHINg!!!!  And wish I could push teh clouds aside, stall the cold Bangalore winds witha  giant wall and hug teh sun for the much needed warmth.

Aunt's surgery pushed forward but she will be staying with my folks to recover from some other infection because of which teh surgery couldn't happen. Aunt who had come to help mom is going back because hey!! there's no surgery!!

Tomo, I have to make THE CALL. To the workplace (the boss and possibly Big Boss at HQ) to ask for leave extension. Hmmm tough one, esp when we're pretty shortstaffed.

In all this hullaballo, I'm trying to overlook my back pain, dousing myself with muscle relaxants, analgesics and pain patches. Add to that some cough syrup and antihistamines and I'm a total wuzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The only saving grace is that the boob pain and swelling has come down. Garima, tere muh me ghee shakkar-- wasn't it you who said it'll be gone? My antibiotics and anti-infammatory pills for this ends with tonight's dose. My fingers are crossed and I'm hoping there won't be any need for a biopsy. My doc says just watch a week to ensure there's no swelling up of symptoms again (pun unintended). Thanking God and holding my fingers tightly crossed.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Snap jack back and a possible biopsy!

I have to keep telling myself life will get better. Or I might just forget that.
I'm right now lying on my back and typing out this post with hubby's laptop at an odd angle to my stomach and my thigh. I've a bad lower back spasm. Something i've had before and had been warned might happen again if i'm not careful. Such warnings swim in the back of your mind for very few days after the attack.Then you're back to bending over the wrong way because that's what comes very naturally. So does the pain.

My Sonny Boy's nanny isn't back at work yet. She's not taking my calls on her cellphone, neither is she returning them. That's a bad bad sign. Aunt's surgery next week and then my parents have taken it upon themselves to offer her post-operative care at their home. It's going  be be a month of hell for them. Feeling so bad for them and helpless. If nanny doesn't return, my resignation chances look clearer.

My parents have taken ill, along with Sonny. If there's a name to my degree of frustration, I don't know of it.
Sonny is so bad with a cough, congestion, runny nose and its happening all over again, over and over again. He's hardly been to playschool this whole month. Bangalore's weather is playing truant. I think it's showing -- teh effects of climate change.

Immunity -- that really gets me worried and talking all the time. It's something I have very little of and so does Sonny, I suppose.
I'm now being advised to take and give him septulin supplements, iron tonics etc etc.
If there is something that worries a mother, it has to be her child's illness -- whatever it is, and whatever degree it is.
I'm just blabbering. I've been at home, hardly have anyone to talk to, am feeling like shit.

Moreover, I had a harrowing week of breast swelling and inflammation -- something the doctors have, after an ultrasound scan, diagnosed as an infection -- but if it doesn't come down by Tuesday I might need a biopsy. I'm dreading it. I'm a very filmi person. As soon as doc said that, my mind did a flash forward. What if it's cancer? What if I die? What happens to Sonny? What are the things I want to do before I die?Suddenly my priorities seemed different. Top among them, I realised was to spend time with Sonny and other family members. Actually been so depressed and worried have been refusing to go to work. And snapping my back came as a great excuse -- though it only means I have more time on my back for gory imagination and more pain (and medication) than I can already handle. At least the back took the attention away from the boobs, was hubby's take on it all. Oh yeah, maybe that was the plan.

Right now doing a supine posting, with Sonny Boy's blocked rhythmic breathing for bedside company.


Monday, December 13, 2010

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I'm bad, I'm bad

Bad bad bad day

*Sonny Boy unwell again. After one-and-half weeks of antibiotics, he was back with a hacking cough. Three more days of medication, another trip to doc, another change of medic. Blore weather sucks.

*Hubby dear travelling

*Nanny on leave for over three weeks and no sign of her return till next week

*Favourite aunt in hospital and I have not been able to go see her

*Mom and dad tired of Sonny and his irrepressible ways

*No leave at workplace

*Run out of vegetables; only found carrots today

*No salad, so straying away from diet :-( boohooo

*Toilet flush not working, hand faucet leaking...again. Aren't there any good plumbers around anymore?

*I suck at time management