Thursday, December 23, 2010

I'm selfish. Yes, but aren't we allowed to be? Sometimes...

The last two days have showed me how fickle minded I am and how selfish. So what? That's me, I feel like saying. I just hope I don't regret this later in life.

After much thinking, agonising, talking,, discussing, crying, arguing with myself, I've decided not to quit.
I'm going to give the nanny arrangement one last shot.

I asked the five most important people in my life what I should do -- quit and stay home with Sonny or go back to work with a nanny in place.

My Mom: "Do you really want to end your career so soon in life? You're so young! I worked 33 years before I retired...We'll manage with a nanny."

My dad: "What did your husband say? He agreed? Then no problem...get yourself relieved by next month. Once things settle down, start freelancing. I'll babysit when you have work....maybe even four hours a day if you get a good deal of assignments."

Hubby Dear: "The decision is entirely yours. I can take care of things. But you think about it from all aspects. Do you really visualise yourself cooking and cleaning everyday? I don't think you enjoy housework." (And a whole lot of intricate reasoning and arguments that I can't really type out here)

My best friend (a SAHM): "Babe, think real hard before you make the decision. It's not easy and you'll need to do some professional work to keep your sanity. It's frustrating to see the same three faces for three continuous weeks sometimes and not have anyone your age to talk with."

(THE HEART WRENCHING ONE) Sonny Boy: "Don't go to office. I like it when you are with me. It's nice. i WON'T GO TO SCHOOL. you DON'T GO TO OFFICE. we'll BOTH STAY HOME AND PLAY" (All in spurts and over time)

After yesterday, when my mind was made up completely about quitting, I went over and over again with all the possibilities. I did a SWOT analysis learnt in college -- you know, looking at every decision considering the situation's strength, weakness, opportunities and threats.
I spent the afternoon writing down in my old diary the advantages/disadvantages of staying home and going to work.
And realised I'm scared of change. Shit scared of teh balance tipping. Scared of not having a life.
No offence meant to Stay At Home Mums, and 'd like to pay obeisance to them over and over again. It's tough life being home and giving up your all for the sake of your children. I've decided it's something I can't do, for now.
I need a life outside home. I can't give that up.
I need to put my skills to use
I need to earn -- for myself, for my family, for our future.
And I want to live life to the fullest.
So hopefully, I'll make some changes to my life to be able to accommodate more into it. 
Give up my sleep a bit and my lazy ways and see if I can work out more time for Sonny and with Sonny and the rest of the family.  
I'm not sermonising. I'm not trying to justify or defend myself. This is just me. This is the way I am.
May the Nanny Hunt begin.


Garima said...

Awesome... :-) I am glad you chose what works for you and your sanity and above all- your family!

Dude, we are moms, we are selfish.. we need to be happy in order to make sure we can keep kiddo's and family happy.
Read between lines: You happy = Happy family!

So gald you thought through your decision.. and stuck to what's best!

Cheering and wishing you luck with the nanny hunts...

Aparna said...

Hi! It all boils down to this. What kind of person are you? Can you visualize yourself being happy as a SAHM or only as a working mum? Believe me, "happy" is the operative word, why be satisfied with less? If career is so important, then there are no 2 ways about it. You would probably not feel good about staying at home beyond the first few weeks.
I think you have thought so much about this, so it MUST be the right decision :) Now no more thinking/agonizing, go forth and conquer :) AND FIND THAT NANNY!!!
(Disagree with the topic post about being selfish, I don't think you are being so, and even if you are, so what?)

Anonymous said...

Hi Friend...

You have taken a decision to start working and that's great. Being a women i feel its unfortunate that many of us feel taking a break from your career and taking care of a child is simply waste of ones degree and qualifications.Raising a kid is the most thankless job but the love is unmatchable in terms of cuddles, hugs and the sense of security we provide the little one. Only a mother and child can experience the beauty of this relationship..Its not about working or being a SAHM its about you and your child..happy nanny hunting and hugs to your little one..and yes what ever decision you take just don't feel guilty..sadly life doesn't allow us to have our cake and eat it it too.

Aparna said...

Must chime in with the others and say that if you call yourself selfish, then I must also call my decision to be a SAHM selfish, because this is what I want to do :). It's all about what works for your sanity and your family!