Saturday, May 29, 2010

Mere paas maa hai


Was just wondering... we are much influenced by our Hindi cinema, its actors and dialogues.

We are from the land where "Mere paas maa hai" is a dialogue that says a thousand things in that one sentence. (It can't be translated into English. It's contextual and loaded with connotations. But roughly transliterated, when one says "What have you in life?" the answer is "I have a mother.")
It means so many complex things to so many people. So much can be read into it. It's so much a part of our psyche that it's used as an advertising pitch. If someone says that, they are saying a lot.

But the world of Hindi cinema, usages in language, our social structure are all so patriarchal, I was just wondering what would happen if we swap parent roles in Hindi film dialogue/everyday usage.

What would have been the impact if Shashi Kapoor had said in Deewar: "Mere paas baap hai"
What if people, when they ask in scorn said: "Tere maa ka road hai kya?" How come that sense of ownership comes as "Road tere baap ka hai kya?"

Or, if on Vijay's hands (again Deewar) were tattooed the words :"Meri maa chor hai" instead of "Mera baap chor hai". History would have changed.

I'm not really making sense am I? As i said, just some random thoughts.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Second day at school

First day at school is what everyone talks about. I was too tired yesterday to think about that even. And, there was such a backlog of thoughts and processes in the mind. Moreover day one for the little one was smooth. We hardly stayed 20 minutes!

Day two? Was all cry cry cry :-(

Made me wonder if mine was the only un-social child around. The rest of them seemed to be having fun though some were as new as my darling.

For a few minutes, felt so guilty for putting him in a pre-pre-school setup (yes it exists). Maybe he's still tooo young for it (i can imagine some moms rolling their eyes in exasperation at me). But i want him to enjoy the company of kids his age.
Else he'll believe the world is full of only grandmas and grandpas :-)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I weep for the mango tree, and the neem

I weep for the mango tree, the neem, the eucalyptus -- three massive trees that have been cut down next door. All to make way for a college or school apparently.
The woodcutters razed down all three over three noisy days. One a day.
Methodically, mechanically something that's grown its roots organically into the earth and into the lives of people, animals and birds was heartlessly hacked to death.
It's disastrous...this mindless cutting down of trees.
I can't imagine why they can't keep the tree within the building plan -- build around it -- imagine students enjoying the shelter of the tree.

I feel naked, stripped of the cover the trees offered my window. Stripped of nature's sunglasses that protected me from harsh sunlight. Stripped of the privilege of waking up to birdsong. My little boy used to wake up and climb up the bedroom window to look at the birds, to see the leaves sway in the wind. Now, everytime he looks at the same bare yard, all he says is "Cut, cut, cut" with accompanying action.

As it is Bangalore is losing trees by the thousands to make way for roads and train-tracks.

Just a few days ago our road also lost three Flame of The Forest trees that had so become a part of our life, our walk, the shade while you waited...all lost to some hospital that thought its "look" was spoilt and blocked by the trees! It's appalling. I hope the hospital owners die one day of thirst. Curse them.

But it's also scarily ironical -- one day i may have to rush to the same hospital in an emergency or put my kid in that same school. What happens then?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Depressed :-(

I'm soooooooooooooooooo down today
I let litte S fall, yet again, from the bed.
This is his second fall. I was there, so was Hubby just happened. He seems ok as of now, but it's scary. The last time around we rushed him for a CT scan and had him seen by a neurosurgeon; it was all just so traumatic.

I blame myself for this stupid stupid mistake. Should have learnt my lesson from the first time around. I'm ashamed with my carelessness.

Why do such things happen? Why are you tested so often?

Whatever happens, however much i crib, it hurts to see him hurt, this little darling of mine. SORRY

Monday, May 24, 2010

Acceptance.... when you finally give away those pre-baby jeans that you've been clinging on to, in the hope that one day you'll be able to squueze your wobbly stomach into also when you go to a plus size store and buy a new pair of jeans paying a hefty price for gowing hefty when you know your episiotomy has left you scarred a certain way, for life when you go home knowing that a cold facewash and a hot coffee are not the things that will greet you when yo get back home from work when you begin to treasure your time at your workplace more than your home because it's the only time you are valued for your skills and for being "you"

Why do we have babies???!!!!

What really stumps me is why we want to become mothers. I mean, I have nothing against it. I'm talking of the reason.

I think we're simply conditioned and tricked into it.

Because if we REALLY knew what ACTUALLY goes into rearing children, I don't think many of us would want them.

Through most of our formative years, we are fed these images of "cute" babies, all chubby with pink little fingers and toes saying "goo goo" or "aaa" or something harmless like that, and that too always witha smile. And these are mostly derived from advertisments. So much so that we can't look beyond pink toes.

When we bump into a couple with a crying child when at the movies (during our college days), we're stupid enough to assume they're just having a bad day.

We fail to notice the dark circles and frayed nerves of cousins and siblings when we visit, because we're busy adoring the little angelic beings. It's always a short span of time that we spend with them, so we very often don't know what one day's cycle in the life of a baby is.

We never really get to handle baby pee and poop (unless you're in a large joint family where babies are easy to come by).

Everbody goes over the moon on the joys of motherhood, about giving birth, about the joyful(!!!) labour pains. Women rave about the satisfaction that motherhood brings.

No one discusses logistics of rearing a baby. No one tells you babies can sit at your breast forever, pretending to be feeding. (You'll be asked, almost sadistically, once you've had the baby, by another young mum : "So, feeling like a cow? (Wink Wink and all).Cousins never tell you of breastfeeding pains and bruising. No one ever tells you about episiotomies.

Best friends might let you take a peek into their lives if they've been there done that.

But, by then, it's too late.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

10 things that are sure to happen with you and child

Murphy's Law "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong" applies best to situations set around your child and yourself (yeah once you're a mother, it's intrinsically linked).

1. Your child will have that One Big Fall in life. Most probably it will be on his head. And you can be assured it'll happen when you're just out of reach and mostly, when you (The Careless Mother) is around. Never around Daddy. No way!

2. When you have close friends over, your child (whom you've described to friends as a little devil) is sure to be on his best behaviour, proving that Mummy is a big liar and he, an angel. And just when your friends have left the party and are texting you "Whay do you complain so much? He's so cute!" or "He's such an adorable darling" is when he'll throw the week's worst tantrum. Around you the post-celebration mess is waiting to be cleaned up.

3. You are looking forward to a quiet Sunday. And a hectic work week after that. The nanny informs you she's not coming a few days. Emergency. The house-help says she's going to her village for her niece's daughter's ear-piercing ceremony. Your in-laws decide it's a good time to visit. You inevitably fall sick.

4. Your dear darling child has had a running nose most of last week, has thrown up phelgm with food after most meals, and has finally settled down with all the medication you've pumped in. You can almost be assured that just as you're breathing a sigh of relief that he's tided over it. You hear the bursts of fart that herald the loosies.

5. You suddenly feel guilty you havent been paying too much attention to his nutrition. You need to make this most healthy breakfast for the little one. You've put together this multi-veggie upma, raagi porridge, made some mango milkshake. Even if he has some pickings from each of this, you tell yourself, you've done your bit. The little one wakes up with a sunny smile and asks for Maggi.

6. You've told the world that your child's a poor eater. Hardly takes in a few spoonfulls at every meal, and that too after much fussing. But the day your best friend lands home with her baby and you're both feeding them their meal together, that's when your darling will eagerly wolf down all the food -- no protest, no crankiness -- as if you've starved him three whole days. He'll even smile and eat veggies!

7. You've prepared hime for his outing to the restaurant. Told him all about how you're going there to eat, we'll sit on a chair etc etc. He'll land there, scream excitedly "Food! Food!". Keep asking every passer-by for Maggi. Pull down the table mats, throw the spoons and forks below the table, refuse to sit on the high chair provided (though he'll gladly do it at home), stand up on the plush upholstery with his muddy sandals, climb up the table, and eat noodles, string by string with his hands. And clap for himself! Needless to say, yours is the only kid at the restaurant doing it.

8. You're looking forward to a vacation. A short break, really. You think you are getting the little darling ready for life, letting him have a look at the beautiful world outside. He decides it's time to go on strike -- he won't eat, pee or poop on most of the holiday. So instead of relaxing and winding down, you're all wound back up over his sudden withdrawal from routine life...and lack of requisite amount of pee in the diaper.

9. A play date sounds like an exciting opportunity to let your shy guy socialise. You're hoping that your child is as excited as you are. Problem is, most often, you and the other mother are the only folks excited. He decides he's going to pluck all toys from the other kid, scream, and spend most of the pecious "date time" whining. Other kid is on the same wavelenght! By the time you meet again, he's forgotten the kid anyway, and the process starts all over again.

10. You're all set to go to the park. It's a great sunny day. You're even in the mood to pack some picnic lunch. You're all set to go and no surprise dark clouds have gathered in the sky either. You're finally getting dressed after having fought the dear child to get his clothes and diaper on. Ting's those cheesy relatives who land at your doorstep and settle down comfortably for a chat.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I've got a bawler! And people dare to talk of "how to" discipline

Sheer terror grips me when S starts crying. Which is very often these days.
He's two months short of two years but still, the Terrible Twos, i swear, have set in. He screams, he cries, he scream-cries.

Last night it was a tantrum to go to grandpa's place soon after we reached home from grandpa's. Then came potty. And S inistsed, bawling all the time, that he would go potty only at grandpa's!!!! So there he was running around all over the house pooping away on the floor, and refusing to sit on his potty :-(

And this was after he spent a good 20 mins crying for a water bottle (which hadn't been cleaned. He just wouldn't take "no" for an answer. I always give in (I know u're not supposed to and all that discipline blah blah) but at the end of a looong day's work, you just want him to shut up. I slapped his bottom. Didn't work. I picked him up and spoke to him in quiet tone and in very certain terms told him that he can't drink from the bottle. Didn't work. I screamed at him. He screamed back louder and stronger. Hubby tried playing hide-n-seek with him. S played, but screaming and with tears rolling down his cheeks anyway.

I was a cry baby too and now i wonder what kind of torture my parents must have gone through till I settled down.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


It's really bizzarre that you must feel guilty for taking some "me time" just for yourself. Even if it's for something as simple as a just-a-little-longer hair wash.
I mean, this elaborate ritual of oiling the tresses and cleanisng scalp and skin is shrunk into this one quickie of lather-some-shampoo-and-run. Uffpah, the things you end up doing. And then, to top it all, you feel guilty for it.
"What a waste of time! You know, you could have used that time to fold up that pile of clothes lying around for a week," says the little voice.
"Or you could have unpacked what's been in the boxes (from shifting home) for almost a year! What a waste of precious time when dear S is out of the way."
Can't believe that's me.
The same me who refused to wake up before 10 if it was a late start to the working day.
The same me who would fold and put away clothes on a lazy Sunday evening (reluctantly) watching a movie on the DVD.

Talking of which, I MISS MY MOVIES whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
And i feel guilty watching one, while feeding S or watching it while he's playing by himself. "Oh my God! I'm a terrible TERRIBLE mum. I'm back from work and watching movie instead of spending quality time with S! That desrves the gouging-out-of-eyes punishment."

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Talk therapy

It's amazing how therapeutic talking to another mother is.
Specially one who feels as compromised as you in life.

After a point in time, though, one begins to realise that no one's really listening.
Everyone's got problems of their own.
And even if she's your best friend, there's a threshold to being a sounding board.
Our little worlds are getting so intense and chaotic wthin their bubble that poking your finger in them to reach out to the outside world only stretches the bubble -- never bursts it. Damn!

But talk you must. Vent you must. To retain that little bit of sanity, if it still exists at the end of a tiring day.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Why me??!!!

Why me? It's something I often ask myself. I love wallowing in self pity. I do.
How come i have to change the bedsheets, throw out old stuff from the refrigerator, make the shopping list, figure out what stocks are depleting and need to be replaced? What's to be made for breakfast?
Why me? Why do i get to do all the mundane tasks while He gets to watch all the TV?
Why does He make it seem like he's doing me such a big favour going out and buying things that I took the trouble of making a list of? Uffpah! Men! Can't figure anything out themselves and can't understand or accept what we'e figured out for them.

The saving grace of my gory life -- S calls me by name now!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Need a vacation-staycation

Need a vacation. A real long one. One from which i don't want to return. A vacation to nowhere will be good. But to take a vacation one needs leave.

And to get leave one needs others to come back from leave. That never really happens, does it?

So you wait and wait and wait endlessly dreaming of that dream vacation -- of quiet baches, or dew-soaked hillsides, or a rain-framed glass window overlooking rolling plantations, or hot bhajjis by a moon-lit river... or a cheese-making farm maybe? Anything...where I don't have to worry about tomorrow's breakfast, about stocking up on veggies and stuff. Any place where things just get done by themselves.

But then, i wouldn't want to come back :-)

Life prosaic

i hate
watching the same nursery rhyme over and over again for 45 minutes
not getting to see my own bit of TV :-(
finding that when i do get the time and remote, there's nothing much to watch, only to surf
having my morning's paper trampled all over
having S wake up immediately after i do
having S banging on the bathroom door and wailing as if i'll never return
S always deciding to potty mid-meal!

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I'm finally here!
With much reluctance
much resistance, I've buckled.
Finally. To the promised charms
of blogging. Hoping to give vent
to all those un-motherly
everyday feelings