After all that talk yesterday, now I HAVE TO BE INDEPENDENT

How life can change in a split second!
How views can change in a day.

Today morning the nanny/cook decided that from March 1 she can't come.
She had left her children with her parents back in the village and now the parents want her to take her children back! So she has her own kids to look after here, so she won't be able to work.

Ok perfect.
So there I am, back to square one.
This time I will cook, and there is going to be no more nannies. I'm going to be everything rolled into one. At least, I'll give it one horribly good shot....
Sonny Boy better just grow up. I better just grow up.
My parents better just get young.....aaaargh

Feeling abandoned....the curse of the maid?

My mind is blank but a thousand rabbit (and rabid) thoughts are hopping off in different directions. The doom hath descended.

I fired my maid of 2.5 years finally yesterday because she was walking in too late every day. And bunking regularly. I had given her a month's notice -- on Jan 1 I told her she stays only this month. She didn't take me seriously. I fired her with confidence because I'd fixed up with another maid who agreed to come three hours earlier. Today morning she didn't turn up. She's making her school-going son take calls on her mobile and say random things. Which means she's not coming.

My father has blasted my cook-cum-nanny for having stolen rechargeable batteries from his home! She called last night to say she's not coming to work anymore. I need to speak to her and dad, both of whom were fuming yesterday, and both of whom I have left alone to cool down for a day, before they have their say.

So I woke up to a effing-beautiful morning, burnt the toast and overboiled the tea. It's a shameful life because I'm helpless without my maid, nanny and cook -- all gone together.
It must be the curse of the maid.

D is for December and Dreading Change, J is for January and Jolly Good

I hate change in life. It's one of those things I dread in life. And yet, every year, in December, it hits me. Big Time.

So I have a new nanny
So I have a new cook
So I have new furniture all over the place
So I have a new schedule
So I have a new job offer

All this while I was contemplating quitting. And going mad. And going mad all over again.

It's crazy how life suddenly changes, and how instrumental you are in changing it -- willingly or unwillingly. And as one year seamlessly merges into another routine year, you suddenly feel "hey!! this is a new beginning. It's January. A new start". While all it probably is, is a cycle.

Ok I'm crazy. I'm a pessimist.

And here on the threshold of the New Year are opportunities that might mean a sea change in my life, lifestyle, work, time spent with child, on home etc etc. AAAArrggg. I hate making decisions. Mostly because I have to be responsible for its consequences later in life. Every well-wisher around you will tell you "It's finally your call". In other words, "You're responsible for your decision...don't blame me..." But they will be there to take credit when things go right.

Sonny Boy has a new nanny. Whom he seems to LOVE. She's young and pretty. She doesn't ever scold him. She likes playing cricket with him. She patiently feeds him lunch (his most trying meal of the day).

She's also my new cook! Decided I'll do that so that in the morning I can supervise her cooking (read cleanliness while cooking) and at the same time have exclusive time with Sonny Boy -- wake him up with his usual cuddle-kiss routine he loves first thing in the morning, pee, brush and get some milk into him before playschool, potty him and dress him up and see him off. I like that routine and want it to be exclusively mine with him.

Nanny takes over once he comes back from playschool, till I reach home. It seems like an OK arrangement. My parents seem relieved. So all's well that ends well.

Just that new nanny girl is tooo slow with work, needs to be told what to do -- not the instinctive one who knows what and when to do things. She can't tell stories (the previous one told ten when Sonny asked for one!) She doesn't speak much. Anyway my dad's around to do the storytelling and talking so I better not complain much.

I'm busy now mulling the idea of a job change. But the constant fear lurking  in my mind is "What if this new nanny quits soon after I take up a new job?" "What if I hardly have time with Sonny?" "What if I can't take the pressure of a bigger and different role?"
I'm not able to figure out the new profile completely so there are many doubts -- mostly about myself.

Ok I'm too confused and have too much to put down here. So I'll just stop.

And wish all of you a HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I want to thanks all of you for standing by me during the last month, when I was a miserable miserable being.
Thanks a ton to Garima, Aparna in Noida and Aparna in Bangalore -- the three constant supporters. And all the others -- "anonymous" commentators included, for the responses, for and against my decisions. It helps when making further decisions!

I'm selfish. Yes, but aren't we allowed to be? Sometimes...

The last two days have showed me how fickle minded I am and how selfish. So what? That's me, I feel like saying. I just hope I don't regret this later in life.

After much thinking, agonising, talking,, discussing, crying, arguing with myself, I've decided not to quit.
I'm going to give the nanny arrangement one last shot.

I asked the five most important people in my life what I should do -- quit and stay home with Sonny or go back to work with a nanny in place.


My Mom: "Do you really want to end your career so soon in life? You're so young! I worked 33 years before I retired...We'll manage with a nanny."

My dad: "What did your husband say? He agreed? Then no problem...get yourself relieved by next month. Once things settle down, start freelancing. I'll babysit when you have work....maybe even four hours a day if you get a good deal of assignments."

Hubby Dear: "The decision is entirely yours. I can take care of things. But you think about it from all aspects. Do you really visualise yourself cooking and cleaning everyday? I don't think you enjoy housework." (And a whole lot of intricate reasoning and arguments that I can't really type out here)

My best friend (a SAHM): "Babe, think real hard before you make the decision. It's not easy and you'll need to do some professional work to keep your sanity. It's frustrating to see the same three faces for three continuous weeks sometimes and not have anyone your age to talk with."

(THE HEART WRENCHING ONE) Sonny Boy: "Don't go to office. I like it when you are with me. It's nice. i WON'T GO TO SCHOOL. you DON'T GO TO OFFICE. we'll BOTH STAY HOME AND PLAY" (All in spurts and over time)

After yesterday, when my mind was made up completely about quitting, I went over and over again with all the possibilities. I did a SWOT analysis learnt in college -- you know, looking at every decision considering the situation's strength, weakness, opportunities and threats.
 
I spent the afternoon writing down in my old diary the advantages/disadvantages of staying home and going to work.
 
And realised I'm scared of change. Shit scared of teh balance tipping. Scared of not having a life.
 
No offence meant to Stay At Home Mums, and 'd like to pay obeisance to them over and over again. It's tough life being home and giving up your all for the sake of your children. I've decided it's something I can't do, for now.
 
I need a life outside home. I can't give that up.
I need to put my skills to use
I need to earn -- for myself, for my family, for our future.
And I want to live life to the fullest.
 
So hopefully, I'll make some changes to my life to be able to accommodate more into it. 
Give up my sleep a bit and my lazy ways and see if I can work out more time for Sonny and with Sonny and the rest of the family.  
 
I'm not sermonising. I'm not trying to justify or defend myself. This is just me. This is the way I am.
 
May the Nanny Hunt begin.

The nanny calls it quits. Now, should I?

First things first.
Thanks to all of you my dear friends who wrote in with warm wishes, hugs, and advise. I'm sorry I haven't the time to reply to all of you individually, but A BIG THANKS FOR BEING THERE. I will follow up your suggestions/ideas. I think I need to concentrate more on homeopathy. Will change homeo doctors (will get someone closer home) and give it another shot.

Ok here's my venting for the day/night.
The nanny walked in this morning (she'd promised to come join work back today), only to tell me she can't make it any longer -- she's unwell and her children dont want her to work. I was quite expecting this, so I cleared her payments wished her well, and she quietly left.

So Nanny Hunt begins. AGAIN.
I'm tired of doing it, so maybe I'll quit so I dont have to hunt anym ore, I kept telling my self over and over again.

Sonny Boy is a tad better, though I can't figure out how to get the coughing spasms down -- wish I could melt the phlegm with something -- SOMETHINg!!!!  And wish I could push teh clouds aside, stall the cold Bangalore winds witha  giant wall and hug teh sun for the much needed warmth.

Aunt's surgery pushed forward but she will be staying with my folks to recover from some other infection because of which teh surgery couldn't happen. Aunt who had come to help mom is going back because hey!! there's no surgery!!

Tomo, I have to make THE CALL. To the workplace (the boss and possibly Big Boss at HQ) to ask for leave extension. Hmmm tough one, esp when we're pretty shortstaffed.

In all this hullaballo, I'm trying to overlook my back pain, dousing myself with muscle relaxants, analgesics and pain patches. Add to that some cough syrup and antihistamines and I'm a total wuzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The only saving grace is that the boob pain and swelling has come down. Garima, tere muh me ghee shakkar-- wasn't it you who said it'll be gone? My antibiotics and anti-infammatory pills for this ends with tonight's dose. My fingers are crossed and I'm hoping there won't be any need for a biopsy. My doc says just watch a week to ensure there's no swelling up of symptoms again (pun unintended). Thanking God and holding my fingers tightly crossed.