Tuesday, August 31, 2010

When the milk of motherly kindness boils over...and singes

There have simply been too many days this past week that I've hated being a mother.
Honestly, don't tell me you haven't had one of those "moments" when you've plain and simple just hated your child. (Ok hating being mom and hating your child are two different things directed at two different people but so intrinsically linked, I don't think you can separate the hatred, specially when you're upset.)
Of course one is so shocked by the thought that you suddenly bring yourself out of it, admonish yourself, say a little prayer to be forgiven for such unimaginable thoughts, and go give your little one a hug.

But that one moment of hatred is intense.
It's triggered most in me when Sonny Boy has his "I want this, I want it now, I want this only and now only...whaaaaaaa baaaaaah" even before I can minimally respond to it. I call this his ziddi avatar, his stubborn  and unreasonable self that takes over his personality every once in a few days. Or as I look back now every few hours in a day.

First I wanted to blame it on his series of illness, his discomfort, his frustration at being confined to the home.
But sometimes I think it's inexcusable. He just starts off without warning, tugs at me, hits me, hits some furniture inevitably in the process...and just won't listen.

My point is if I said no to something, he could THEN cry and protest. The very asking is done wrong, which is so pissing off. I don't expect a two-year-old to be very reasonable, but watching nursery rhymes on DVD all day when I'm home is quite ridiculous and unacceptable.

He refuses his toys, won't play on his own. Will play only if I join him. I thought kids could manage at this age about 20 minutes of play by themselves, at least that's what I remember Dr. Spock's as saying. I have a huge bin of toys for him, then there are books, colours, lots of paper. I even replace old books/toys with new ones so he won't get bored. But no! He must have rhymes, over and over and over again.

There are times when I feel I want to throw him out of the window, make him invisible, make him vanish for a few moments. I feel so guilty having these thoughts. But then I'm glad I have them, because this overwhelming sense of horribleness takes over that I'm being so mean to a small little creature that didn't exactly choose to be here. I brought him here so I better just learn to calm him down.

Then again, I have a problem with all parenting sites that tell you to calm a child using various methods -- distract them with something else (he's crying so loud and clinging to my feet so hard I can't move and he can't hear), be calm, count to 10 or sing (hmmppph if i could be calm i would be world's best mum and hah! sing???!!! i want to scream too). And when you are frustrated and tired after a day's work, a sudden slap delivered on his bottom gets things out of your system and shocks the hell out of the kiddo -- i mean he gives me this "What?you actually it me?!" look and i think he stops crying half out of shock/surprise.

I always think this process is like this huge pot of milk kept on boil. As the milk heats up, it rises and for some time it forms a puffed up creamy cloud on top of the pot (if you're on sim!) but if you're on full flame, it just boils over the top, falls on the flame, singes and smells and sets alarms off in your mind.


Garima said...

You are definitely not alone. There are moments when you want to just pull your hair out.. or the kids... and more sanity comes in after the fact and not before. So its okay. Hugs...
You are doing a really aweseom job.. by venting out here in the blog.. since it kind of helps keeping sane. :-)
V is suddenly getting all angsty and if she does not find say the book she wants, she goes full swing- now it means, using her hands to hit mummy. Quiet embarrasing if we are out. So now, we both are practicing a time-out corner. Both of us go there, she faces the wall no matter how loud she gets, she stays there untill 1 min. Then gets a hug until she soothes of...and then gets my earful...
Sounds ideal... problem is... out of 5 times, it only works for only 30 seconds. But I am trying to stick with it.... lets see.
I think in a couple of months, with more reasoning and usage of words, he would be able to express himself better.
V is now 2.5 years old.. and there is a huge difference in her temprament from when she was 2 years. THere is light at the end of the tunnell.... i swear! Hang on!

Anonymous said...

Hey....Well said..Sometimes I feel the same.

Now i hardly watch TV and his rhymes/other DVD goes on on.....
No top of that my husband blames me for this(Bcoz he doesnt get watch TV,but atleast he has newspaper:-(( )

I hate mornings...make breakfast,feed him(which he has every right to refuse),rush to office(I am always late:-(( ).
Evenings cook....feed(Not again),clean up the toys which he has put all over the place.
My husband as usual late from office and read newspaper(I hate Newspaper) or sits with his laptop.

Sometimes I think we should also need sometime to relax after the office.


Anonymous said...

Cent per cent on dot as usual. This feeling I experience when he does not sleep in the night and I see everybody happily dozing off. I used to feel jealous of other family members. They do work throughout the day and rest peacefully, while mine has become a 24 hour duty.


Forever mother said...

Hi Garima,
Thanks for the reassurance that he'll grow up:-). I really admire you for being mature mom who uses time-out along with daughter. Somehow it's not a system i can accept so i don't use it. I'm just loud screaming mom who gets Sonny Boy to stop crying by threatening him that I'll lock him up in a room!! Ya that's mean but works most of the time!

Hi Teju
Your crisis sounds eerily similar to mine. Maybe our husbands are twins ;-) But god! Do i identify with what you're saying, because it's honestly how my day and feelings of it are at the moment. Welcome home, twin sister :-)My hugs and sympathies

Hey Nutan
Now that's something I can identify with too, though it was worse soon after i got back to work, post maternity leave. That's when i started diapering him at night! Even now he's not a sound sleeper and I hate hubby who snores away to glory in his room. Incidentally this was what I was planning to blog about today, so maybe I should do it. Don't worry, hopefully we both, and many other moms will get over this at some point in time.
cheers, and chin up, and yes, keep your sleepy eyes open ;-) Lots of warm hugs and prayers for peaceful sleep

Aparna said...

My feelings as of just this morning !! Was just about to blog about it but started reading yours instead :). Good that you put your feelings down so that more of us could read it and realize that so many of us are in the same boat.

Forever mother said...

Hey Aparna, I think I just missed you online. As I keep saying this is one big boat I've gladly realised and I could use all company on board. Why? What happened to your morning? And you must MUST blog it out...its liek boxing. It makes you feel better after you've hit at it hard. Read, but also, do write. Even if it's teh same thing. Because two people may feel similarly but never the same. You'll have a new insight to offer us. (Am i sounding cheesy here?)

Smita said...

Girl, you aren't alone... I guess we all face these every once in a while (uhh... i mean every few hours). My son is 3.5 years old and is currently addicted to TV and Ben 10. Gets on my nerves at times but I know this too shall pass. :D

They grow with these phases. Last month he only wanted to color.... finished coloring books every week... this month he colors only when he has a drawing class or when he feels like. Two months back, he was making puzzles by the dozen but now he doesn't want to look at his jigsaws :D When I am upset I really scream too; but then I always melt away soon too. My hubby thinks I am screaming all the time because whenever he comes home in the evening, I am running behind Aaryan shouting for something or the other:-p

So don't worry... soon the kids will grow, and we will have only ourselves for company! These are testing times - the growing up years- but there is light at the end of the tunnel :) I mean, yeah, our parents are not worried because of us NOW, are they? :-p


crabbymommy said...

Now here is someone after my own heart! And I have three kids - one four and a half year old daughter and then a pair of one year old twin girls. Yup, it's crazy, no it's more than that, but I can't think of a word for it, Webster it yet to coin it.

Love the analogy you use, I can soooo relate to the feeling. I, too have read those parenting tips where "distraction" is an oft used word. Bull. It does not work, have tried it, no can do. I want to see them do this in front of me first - get attacked, bitten etc etc and then try and be calm and divert the child's mind..quite simple, really??

I used to feel guilty. Not anymore. What I am careful about it not to feel it too much and wallow in it. Can happen, so I watch out for that. Like you, I check it and give a hug to the kid/s.

It's impossible not to feel anger, not for me at any rate. Also, in my case I quit work (for many reasons, not all of which make sense) so there is that angst..

Now, for the disclaimer - love the kids, have pretty much given up work and lots of other things for them, and, I would do this all over again if I turned back time. But it's normal to feel anger and the venting is therapeutic, hence the blog.