Mourning for a life gone, fearing for a young one

It's disgusting and shameful how we take someone for granted, when they are alive. We realise this only when they die. My aunt who'd been staying with my parents died last week. Dear R, may your soul rest in peace. But I know it won't. Because you will be worrying about your young son you've left behind. For a child to deal with his parent's death, I think, is the most traumatic and challenging phase of life.

She was less of an aunt, more of a mum. She, along with grandma raised me when mom was busy earning the family's bread. She was the repository of all my childhood memories. She knew me through and through.
She wanted, even till about two months ago, wanted to start her own enterprise, and we had sat down to discuss the pros and cons of the idea.

Just days before she died she chided me, saying "You're not taking good care of your skin. How we used to pamper you and make sure your face was oiled and nourished when you were young!" It was, I think, one of the last conversations I had with her. She was the beautician who taught me how to massage my face, make banana-honey facepacks as I grew into adolescence. She embroidered beautiful saris and salwar kameez-es for me. She stitched me perfect white lace tops and pleated skirts when I was young. When I first sprouted boobs, it was her hand-me-down bra I got to wear till I could be bought one.

Now I can't sleep a peaceful sleep. Somewhere deep down is a guilt that I didn't do enough for her in return. That I didn't pay as much attention to her as I should have when she took ill. I took it for granted that she will undergo surgery and that she will soon be back in the business of life. It was never meant to be.

What I feel still worse about is her 13-year -old son. It's such a terrible, confusing age as it is. Add to that your mother's death and I think life for the child will be traumatic. Every night and morning when I kiss my own Sonny Boy, i feel miserable thinking my little cousin will never be able to feel his mother's hand on his head, or her embrace again...ever. He won't have his mom lovingly cooking his favourite food when he comes back from exams. He already looks lost, plodding through life at home, and pushing off to school amidst the chaos of weeping/mourning relatives.

I fear for his future, what he will think and do, what his father's attitude to him will be and most importantly, who will be there to hold his hand and walk him through life the way a mother does? His dad's going to drown himself in work, I just know it for sure. His paralysed grandmom will not be a source of much consolation. Which leaves ....us. The physical distance between our homes I know will ensure that after a time, when we get sucked into our daily grind, will not allow for much time to be spent together. I feel I owe it to my aunt to make sure her child does fine in life, but fear my uncle will see my interest in him as "interference", and so an insult to him.

I don't know...life suddenly feels so unlivable. So full of things that shouldn't have been and so full of promises it held out but we couldn't achieve...