Must I be judged for being a mom who works outside?

It really hurts when you're judged as a mother, when the people judging you are your own -- friends you grew up with, spent the most beautiful years of your life with, and are fellow moms themselves.

Met up with college friends over the weekend...it's s close-knit group of about eight. I took Sonny Boy to the meet since a friend had landed from the U.S. and hadn't seen him; every one wanted to see everyone else's kids. And we all hope that our kids, like us, will be friends too. Moreover three other kids were coming along. I didn't realise he would be the youngest and get bored...he did. The older kids left out this bachcha. So he got irritable and clingy.

My friends immediately started saying "It's ok, poor thing, it's probably because you are never there with him", "He rarely gets time with you, so obviously he'll cling to you", "All he wants is your attention when you ARE around"  and other variations of it! I mean, come on, he's not even three and the place was unfamiliar and so were most of the people... But my friends made it a point to tell me how it happens to kids of mums who're away at work.

I left the get together depressed and came home almost in tears. It's like you can never do anything right if you're a mom who goes to work. You must be made to feel guilty for it. One of them asked me "Looks like you're really enjoying your job," making it sound like an accusation. Like she almost wanted me to admit that I was working because I had to, not because I wanted...

On returning home, I put Sonny to sleep and spent the afternoon furiously digging mud, re-potting and doing some gardening simply to work off my anger and frustration in a constructive way. All the while, I sat wondering what it was about the noon that really pissed me off.

I love my friends. We've been in touch 12 bloody years, which is a difficult thing, and we do form a good supportive network for each other  -- whether it's during a divorce, death or birth in the family. They are people I look to for help/advise/fun.

What struck me later while I was thinking, as I sat breaking down hard mud was that all of the moms in our group are stay-at-home-mums. I have nothing against SAHMs or my friends who are SAHMs. But I thought it was unfair of them to kind of pity me and my child -- Sonny for not having mum around, and me, for not being around. I even considered their statements in the light that at least three of them had tried to kickstart their career after having children and hadn't really gotten far successfully for various reasons. I'm not trying to be mean here; I appreciate the efforts they have made, but were they holding it against me that I was working while they were not? Yeah, now I sound like the mean b****, but then that thought did occur, frankly.

They asked me why I fed him first and ate later; a bad idea, they pointed out. They asked me if I travel with him a lot and when I said no, they described how they were so often on the road with their kids, and how I shouldn't worry about food and such things etc. I guess they were trying to egg me on, encourage me, but somehow I ended up feeling belittled, I don't know why.

Like I didn't have enough people around me --  starting with old people in my apartment to random aunts who I meet at "family gatherings" -- who judge me for how my child behaves, eats, pulls up his t-shirt to reveal his tummy etc, now I had my friends looking at me with a magnifying glass.

I've never been so uncomfortable at a gathering with friends and never felt more like getting out of there fast as I did yesterday. Maybe I need to take some time to think deep about this, look at myself more objectively...maybe all that I'm saying here is an instant reaction to the whole incident. I don't know. But it's left me shaken and questioning myself.

I also had a mom who worked and I didn't turn out too bad. Ok, so I was and am an attention-seeking person, but maybe that's my personality type. I don't think I should blame my mum for it....I don't know...but damn! Being a mom is not easy.

I had one of THOSE days. It was beautiful

I watched a French movie last night about four Jewish women trying to find love in Paris.
I slept like a log (touch wood) and woke up at 8 a.m.
I woke up to a terribly quiet house today.
I read the whole newspaper (almost) on the potty today
I actually did yoga for almost 45 mins with no interruptions (except when the dhobi came to pick up clothes).
I actually gardened for about 20 mins flat!
I lugged in the new cooking gas cylinder the delivery man had left at the door!
I paid the newspaper delivery man
I didn't cook breakfast, lunch or dinner...just ate some toasted bread
I cleaned the drawing hall, changed the diwan covers
I listened to songs on the radio while working around the house (here's a pix of one of my latest projects -- trying to pair my gardening attempts with refurbishing and revamping my great-grandfather's old hat stand/coat hanger)

I spotted two red-whiskered bulbuls on the neighbour's coconut tree
I actually had a hairwash without anyone knocking on the bathroom door
I picked up lunch on the way to work from my mom's.
WOW I loved my day till this far...afterwards it was work as usual.....


I relished my morning ....yes, that would describe it so perfectly.
Sonny Boy is really growing up. Sometimes i feel sad that he's probably "growing away" also pretty soon. I missed him so much since last night. It was too quiet...but still, it was  quietness I miss from my earlier days.
With the hubby travelling and Sonny deciding to stay with grandpa yet again last night, it was MY day.
Yeah, I'm sounding selfish, all over again.
Yeah, I know, there are many raised eyebrows that I'm getting "too much time" for myself these days (any guesses who's raising the eyebrow?! ;-)
But there's no such thing as too much time for yourself.
Because when we women do get time for "ourselves" we don't run to have a massage or pedicure. We clean the home, prep it up, do things for family.
That's how we are. Because when we go to a salon or parlour, we'll feel GUILTY that we spent so much time on ourselves. The irony of our lives!

A recipe for capsicum barda palya

Ok I have a recipe after a long time.
I'm sure many people must be making this, or variations of it.

But i'm so thrilled mine turned out great today and I must put it down for myself. I used to make it earlier but in the past three years, for some unfathomable reason, I had stopped.

Including a dal in a subji/palya is a great way for me to mask the taste of a vegetable you don't like (i would love to try this with cabbage which i hate in the cooked form). It also adds volume when you're short of any vegetable. And most importantly it easily adds protein to your day's requirements.

What you need:
Capsicum - 4, chopped medium
Onion - 2, chopped
Kadle bele/Channa dal - a small cup
Green chilli -one (more if you like your food spicy)
Curry leaves
Coriander
Ginger
Jeera
Red chilli powder
Turmeric
Lime or amchoor powder
For seasoning -- mustard, jeera, oma/ajwain, uddin bele/urad dal
Salt and sugar to taste

Method:
1. Soak the channa dal for two hours. Drain excess water.
2. Pop it into the mixer along with the chillie, some chunks of ginger, some jeera,  salt and sugar to taste, turmeric, a dash of red chilli powder, curry leaves and coriander (chopped)
3. Grind it (DON'T ADD WATER), but just enough to make it a grainy grainy  mixture -- don't let it become a paste. It should be chunky...it's ok if you see some unground pieces of dal in it as well.
4. Heat oil in a pan/kadai/bandle, splutter the seasoning (you can vary it and add all you want).
5. Fry the onions light brown.
6. Add the dal mixture and cook it well too (it cooks pretty fast). Cover and let it cook, but keep stirring or dal may stick.
7. Add the capsicum.
8. Taste and check to adjust salt /spice levels. You can sprinkle on some red chilli powder if it sin't giving you a kick ;-)
9. Sprinkle on some drops of lime or add some amchoor powder to add the tang. Cover for a short while and it's done.

Sonny Boy's travelling itch

So Sonny's done it again.
He went to Hubby's hometown on his own, with just his pappa as travel partner.
This is his second time in less than two months. I'm proud of him and the Pappa.
But it's also the beginnngs of the "I'll cut the strings and run" syndrome that our kids are sure to be prone to as they grow up.
He seemed so happy yesterday telling me he had fun without me, and will soon do it again! The little rascal hah!
Of course he's come back this time, not with the usual cold and loosies, but some sort of allergic rashes. Little pimply specs all over his arms and legs. If it doenst subside by tonight with anti-allergic syrup and a calamine lotion to contain the itch, it's back to the doc tomorrow :-(

In the meanwhile I've managed to clean parts of the home while he dad-and-son were gone, visit an ailing friend in hospital, buy new ceramic plant holders for the home, increase my collection of plants outside the door, buy myself two new pairs of shoes, take my parents out to lunch, READ, READ READ, call up cousins and friends and chat, upload photographs .....aaah so much done, so much more that could have been done.

Work has been getting worse by the day. Cooking, gardening and planning for my SIX MEALS A DAY -- all that's been taking up time.

Started another blog... my weight loss attempts

I suddenly realised, after I started a new blog that I'm just some 10 days from the fisrt anniversary of this blog!

I've been travelling again (yes I left Sonny Boy again with my parents to travel on work for two days) and thinking a lot with the time on hand. I've decided to do something about my health in a positive direction. Staring with a decent amount of food control, exercise and hopefully some weight loss. And in the long run I hope I get healthier.

Dedcided to start a new blog for it as I didn't want to mix things up with this blog.
So here's the link -- I've not done much with it yet. Hope the blogging keeps me motivated to stay on track this time at least.

http://www.waitingtoloseweight.blogspot.com/