Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fatherhood V/s Motherhood - The balance always tilts

Warning: This post is long. I'm feeling angsty and I've cried last night.

Just yesterday, I read this article (I've linked to it from Slate magazine - do read the dad's account) that I found on Technorati and was just feeling so good and miserable in turns. Good, that here are dads in Sweden who have the privilege of a year-and-half off on paternity leave (with pay) while my workplace even grudged me six months of maternity leave.

When I was pregnant, I surfed the Net and read of how countries like France, UK have a great cushioning system for women who have babies -- benefits, long paid leave, money, and post-delivery recovery therapy and all that jazz -- I was envious. I was at that time haggling with office and negotiating how long I get to take off. Without getting fired.

And then there was the husband, whose company gave him two weeks of paternity leave. I was overjoyed. From what I knew, most workplaces in India don't have a paternity leave policy. Two weeks it would be, I decided -- good for him to get to know the reality of raising the teeny-weeny baby. Hah! He was back in office after 10 days, saying "I have some important work". And once he went back to work, he couldn't stay nights with me (I was at mom's) because if he couldn't sleep at night, he couldn't work in the morning.

Hah! (Ya one more big hah!) Because even if I was up most of the night feeding the brat and trying to lull his bawling, I had to be up in the morning doing the same. And my mum couldn't particularly help in the matter. And poor groggy eyed dad would take over in the wee hours of the morning, holding the wide awake Sonny Boy. Days went by as if my sole purpose in life was to feed; "cow duty" as my friend tacitly put it.

So there I was, handling the waily Sonny Boy all by myself through the night (he wouldn't sleep more than 1.5 hours at a stretch; and he would BF for 1.5 hours when he would wake up!!!) The few times during the day when he would sleep for more than two hours at a stretch, I would use to bathe, eat, watch a few minutes of TV and just as I would think, "I'll catch a few winks", Sonny was up and bawling again.

So I cursed and cursed and cursed husband dear. And generally anybody (visitors and relatives) who asked me in the morning "Did he sleep well last night? Did he let you sleep?" They seemed most sadistic, these people.

Anyway, I'm digressing.

The point is, after I read this article yesterday, I went to my mom's place last evening. Husband said "Let's wind up here fast and go home early. I have some work." (On the way back from work we pick up Sonny from Mom's). As soon as we arrived, Husband, as usual, settled himself on the sofa, watching TV. Sonny boy welcomed me with a session of potty. I washed him, washed potty, got his clothes on (it's an exercise in futility as he hates wearing his clothes back on after potty).

I had to pack up his stuff for next day's playschool (it all comes to mom's from the school but he leaves home from our apartment in the morn, so logistics, logistics.)

All this while, Husband continued watching TV. Now, if I ask him to do this or that, I'm the nag. If I don't ask him to do this or that he won't do it because he says "You should tell me and I'll do it. I cant know on my own what to do"!!! So when he motioned to the clock in between all this to indicate that we were late, I lost it.

I blew up like a big bad volcano and told him that if he doesn't get off his ass to wash his son's bum, or even pack his son's shoes and bag, how the eff were we going to go on time? Of course he was offended. What is it they say? Offence is the best form of defence.

How come, I have to, despite having almost equally long house of work, come back home and on some sort of remote control mode go about the packing, going home, heating food, feeding business, while it doesn't occur to him he can very well do the same? What reaction would I have got if I had just sat down with a magazine to unwind, instead of doing all that I did?

And I went home and wept like silly. All the while thinking of dads in Sweden who pack lunches, take the kids to park, take them in the stroller play with them -- all on their own and all consistently for months together. This doing things voluntarily and consistently, from the heart for your own child is not my man's thing, I'm beginning to believe. (Moreover I had also read a blog by this Indian dad blogger Naveen Bachwani who seems so clued into his fatherhood mode and has even converted his blog into a book! So it only rubbed in the salt deeper into my wounds.)

I'm not wanting to bracket all men together, but the Indian male psyche is tuned to an approach towards fatherhood, where they think what they should really do is thump their chest and show off their son to all and sundry. Or offer to watch the child a day (when he already has a holiday) so wife can spend some "me" time or girl time with friends, and then go around bragging about it. Or use it in every argument in future about "helping raise the baby", saying "Don't i stay with him on saturdays?" or some such. Again, I'm putting my disclaimer here. Not all Indian men may be like that.

Just my luck that I'm stuck with one. And all the "nice" dads i see happen to be friends' husbands.

Ok after all this rambling and venting all I'm trying to say is look at the difference -- in approach to fatherhood. Look at the kind of different role expectations men seem to have of "us" and "them". At the end, both of us together are supposed to be "parents" isn't it? But why then, this sort of dramatic imbalance in roles?

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I can understand your feelings as my husband is also almost the same.
:)
I don't remember the no.of times I've felt utterly helpless and tearful thinking of this 'imbalance' in roles.
I am hoping that I can bring up my son to be more understanding of others needs.

Garima said...

Hey.......It was a long post but heartfelt.. and I could feel your pain.
There is no harm in blowing up... and you should not feel guilty about it.. since yes, you are tired after your day.. Big Hug!
There is a movie which my husband and I saw a while ago- Break Up.. in which Vince Vaughn says : "I dont want to do dishes, you tell me, I will do it".. Jennifer A says.. "No I want you to want to do it"
It was hilarious... this line stuck to me and SD... and now, I just tell my husband, what I WANT him to do. He might cringe, people might call me a nag... but its okay.
I WANT him to give V a bath so I can wind off kitchen, I WANT him to get V to brush in the morning and get her ready (he WANTS me to ensure her clothes/ diaper/ food is ready so he doesnt struggle) and I AM FINE with the spoon feeding..
My husband probably will never find her pants, but I am OKAY with that.. since I can lay it out.
More often than not, my husband returns after evening stuff is complete and she is ready for sleeping. But the one/two weeknights when he is around, i am sure to pile on loads of help from him. Yes, he is tired, but I can do with an extra pair of hands. Again, he might not be willing.... but its okay.
I do blow up time and again.. cant you see this needs to be done.. or that.. and then I remember the line from the movie.. I still howl though ;-)

What annoys me is..the notion of men being providers and women being carers....its a tough one. But we have to start somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, my heart goes out to all the moms on this thread and outside but you know what, somewhere i feel that we women dont prepeare the men enough as to what is going to be expexted of them once they become dads. Men do what they have seen as children just as we do what we see as children which is that moms take care of babies and fathers sit around and watch TV! A whole lot of reorientating needs to be done as far as Indian males are concerned. to begin with, we train our sons better making themmore sensitive to their responsibilities and second, we demand more from the hubbies at the same time not feeling the least guilty for this!

Aparna said...

Reading this post of yours brought back so many memories that I didn't want to leave a comment immediately with all the things flooding my mind on this subject :). So here I am again after visiting it for the second time.
Could totally feel your pain at the time of writing this. The only thing I can say in the men's defence is that sometimes they mellow with age - my husband did between my first and second. My first was a very bad sleeper, and in the middle of the night when I would be desperately rocking her back to sleep, the only input from hubby dear would be 'Why don't you sing different melodies instead of the same one over and over so that she finds it more interesting?' and he would roll right back to sleep!! But with my younger guy, he has spent many many disturbed and sleepless nights trying to soothe an ill child :). So hang in there - with subtle hints or otherwise - things will hopefully change for the better!

Rama said...

And you know, we, doing household chores and taking care of children etc. is DUTY.......... whereas, husbands, if they do some teeny tiny work at home, it is they doing a great FAVOUR......... You know, I'm also a working mother with a 10 year old child and I'm responsible for completely everything in our house, from cooking, buying provisions, buying vegetables, paying bills, taxes, bank works, managing money, investing in proper funds, co-ordinating with the driver, maid, iron-wallah, taking care of son's school needs, his studies, home works, driving down to son's extra-curricular classes, taking him to doc when he is not well, taking leave from work when son is not well or having holiday, keeping in touch with in-laws & my parents and taking care of their occasional needs,entertaining friends, celebrating festivals, birthdays and what nots...... everything is my responsibility........... and if I make a small mistake in any of these, My husband would be waiting to complain about it. He comes home 2 hours after I reach home from work and immediately goes and sits in front of his PC. If I complain about me managing so many things and he relaxing like this, he would say 'I can do each and every work you are doing much better than you, but you can't do any of the works I'm doing'. He would be always reading slashdot, reinstalling his operating system, converting videos and that kind of stuff. I'm a finance professional with two professional degrees(that too, with All India Rank) and he is a techie.

But, you know, inspite of all the above, he is a very good husband, really loving, an excellent father, an excellent son-in-law....... He just is very lazy and doesn't take any responsibility.........

I think, Indian males are in some transition stage. Our fathers times, I think, males doing work at home is considered as shameful, now atleast that has changed, just that, they don't think that doing household work is their duty, may be, in my son's time, I think it would become natural.......

Anu said...

I have been reading your blog for sometime now,but I needed to leave a message this time, because I been there,and I know that moment,when just everything comes crashing at your feet and you JUST need to explode.Its terrible,its that assumption that a DAD makes that a MOM knows everything,handles the baby the best,which makes me cringe at times!!Especially when you are a first time mom,its not like we delivered a baby and someone handed an instruction manual or something.We learn and evolve too as moms.

I clearly remember my husband,staying away from anything related to my son like bathing and putting him to sleep quoting one very comfortable reason,"he is best with you,so it makes sense for you do it".I hated it.I yelled and cried and kicked up all the fuss.I finally broke down and explained.It did seem to strike a chord somewhere,but nothing really happened as such.Later I just started 'letting go'.WTH,he is his baby too,was my reason.So I would just let my husband know that my son needs a bath,or needs to be fed,and simply 'take off' doing my stuff.After a while it did work.He learnt to do 'stuff' for our son and goodness gracious he even started enjoying it.Sooner or later they even start volunteering.Thats when I realized that maybe somewhere I had made a mistake by not 'allowing' him to do certain things in the past,thinking I 'might as well do it,because,the father might not do it as perfectly as the mum.

Saras said...

I appreciate how you feel.You should have a session with your Husband and clearly express your views on parenting and how you would want him to share the same. Once the understanding, that it is a joint responsibility, sets in there should be no problem in complimenting each other's work and be happy.

Forever mother said...

Hi guys,
Thanks all for the overwhelming response, support and sharing. Sorry was busy with Ganesh Chaturthi to reply till now.
I'll try to reply in order:

Dear Anonymous,
Yes, I so DESPERATELY hope the son will not grow up to be the same...i totally get that feeling too.

Dear Garima
Oh yes yes yes...I want him to WANT to do it. That's teh point. Most of teh time he'll do it mechanically after i say "Coul you please..." and the please comes when I'm in a good mood :-)

Dear Anonymous,
Yes, reorienting is a good term. But somehow Indian men are more willing for orienting and re-orienting if it's an "office workshop", not something wifey is trying out with them i think ;-)

Dear Aparna,
OOOOhhh the "why dont you sing different melodies" sounds lke my hubby too. so cheeky they can be na? Mellow with age? Ok I'm waiting. I've waited through seven years of marriage, maybe some more ...;-)

Dear Rama
Ok,....you really have a hell of a lot on your hands woman. I at least dump some of these things on Hubby (and still crib, yes). But hats off to you for handling even bills, taxes and investment. Ugh...that's a whole lot of work. Slow doen please. BIG BIG hugs esp when husband is looking at the system and pretending to work -- i KNOW that feeling only too well. Laziness is inbred in Indian men whose mums make them that way, i believe and I don't want to be one such mum. That's my only prayer now.

Dear Anu
Can totally totally identify with what you're talking of -- the expectations from a first-time mum, the "you two seem comfy with each other" bit...I was guilty too of not "allowing" Hubby to do certain things. Now I leave the two of them alone for the entire day and say "Enjoy" and they do. Wish there were more such days.

Dear Mr. Saras
It's nice to have a man on board for a change. I wish more men would think like you. I wish that after a talk more men would actually understand what we women want and consistently complement what we do with their own inputs. But, most men seem to lack a basic understanding and empathy for our lives. But thanks for dropping by for teh first time and reading :-)

Jayadeep(JDP) said...

Our daughter is 2.5 years and while we had our shares of problems with who should do what, I think people forget some fundamental differences between how men and women are wired - no this is not an excuse frankly - let me try to explain my point of view. Father is a third party in this relationship, the basic relationship is between the mother and the baby and that is THE most important one. This is not to say that there is no role for the father - he needs to set the stage, lead the family and manage the situation because we are human beings and not animals. The point is, the roles are different and complimentary. The fundamental problem IMO in the current situation is that of a working mother, that changes the equation completely. IMHO, one of them should not be working, in our case my wife had quit her job already and it made things a lot easier. And BTW, I was far more prepared than my wife with the arrival of our daughter including how to breast feed:) my bible was Dr. Spocks book on child care which gave me a whole lot of information why babies behave the way they do and it helped. Not to blame my wife, but what I found was she was more worried about the current problem, while I was looking at a different angle. For example, by 3 months we should have been sleeping peacefully if she had tried what Dr.Spocks and others had suggested to not encourage night feeding. She was worried that the baby may not get food if she didn't feed in the middle of the night. So it went on for almost a year. She wouldn't put her on the bed without her sleeping at her breast, no attempt to cut that habit either. The point is that some of the problems can be eased a lot if the mother pays some attention and be prepared by reading stuff instead of blindly listening to elders. Same with feeding - there is absolutely no need to dance around the baby to push food into her, hunger is a natural phenomenon! But then we are wired differently - and we belong to a bit different upbringing as well which makes it a bit difficult. There is one thing the father trained which has worked so well - using a car seat from the first month itself and that is the only thing that goes without any fuss. There were many scenarios where I backtracked because I didn't want to interfere with the child and the mother, I am a third party! In summary, I believe that the modern lifestyle has made things so unnatural and artificial, the basic wirings of man and woman are at conflict which is the real cause IMO. It'll be interesting to hear other perspectives on my view.

Jayadeep(JDP) said...

Our daughter is 2.5 years and while we had our shares of problems with who should do what, I think people forget some fundamental differences between how men and women are wired - no this is not an excuse frankly - let me try to explain my point of view. Father is a third party in this relationship, the basic relationship is between the mother and the baby and that is THE most important one. This is not to say that there is no role for the father - he needs to set the stage, lead the family and manage the situation because we are human beings and not animals. The point is, the roles are different and complimentary. The fundamental problem IMO in the current situation is that of a working mother, that changes the equation completely. IMHO, one of them should not be working, in our case my wife had quit her job already and it made things a lot easier. And BTW, I was far more prepared than my wife with the arrival of our daughter including how to breast feed:) my bible was Dr. Spocks book on child care which gave me a whole lot of information why babies behave the way they do and it helped. Not to blame my wife, but what I found was she was more worried about the current problem, while I was looking at a different angle. For example, by 3 months we should have been sleeping peacefully if she had tried what Dr.Spocks and others had suggested to not encourage night feeding. She was worried that the baby may not get food if she didn't feed in the middle of the night. So it went on for almost a year. She wouldn't put her on the bed without her sleeping at her breast, no attempt to cut that habit either. The point is that some of the problems can be eased a lot if the mother pays some attention and be prepared by reading stuff instead of blindly listening to elders. Same with feeding - there is absolutely no need to dance around the baby to push food into her, hunger is a natural phenomenon! But then we are wired differently - and we belong to a bit different upbringing as well which makes it a bit difficult. There is one thing the father trained which has worked so well - using a car seat from the first month itself and that is the only thing that goes without any fuss. There were many scenarios where I backtracked because I didn't want to interfere with the child and the mother, I am a third party! In summary, I believe that the modern lifestyle has made things so unnatural and artificial, the basic wirings of man and woman are at conflict which is the real cause IMO. It'll be interesting to hear other perspectives on my view.

Jayadeep(JDP) said...

In our case my wife felt I was meddling too much - from how to breastfeed, bath, put the baby to bed etc. etc. While I was well read about baby rearing, she depends mostly on her mom and relatives to get advise. But you need to remember that men and women are wired differently and you can't expect the same response to baby issues from both. And what complicates matters is the working mother which makes things difficult. Mother needs to be with the baby for at the least 6 months IMO. The modern lifestyle puts a lot of pressures on both parents and some may cope, some may not.

Uma said...

well, this could have almost been my post..the same 1.5 hrs BF and no sleeping by sonny boy-yes i too have a sonny boy who seems like your sonny boy-a husband doing jus cursory stuff with us moms doing the cooking, cleaning, feeding, bathing, washing potty (though nowadays husband does pitches in for this, albeit grudgingly)..my question is the same, why cant they voluntarily and happily take over kid duty? afterall its theirs' equally!!!!

Forever mother said...

Hey Uma,
Hang in there
It can be FRUSTRATING for sure. And men don't exactly change. I'm not trying to burst the hope bubble in any way, but at most husbands change behaviour by a few degrees, after much argument. And yes grudgingly. Do hire some help, if you can, or you'll just tire the hell out of yourself. Warm hugs and prayers for better times
Forever Mother